Wonder

A friend of mine once wrote - " I would like to hold myself accountable to keep changing. To keep looking at the stars and being amazed. To love God and His people. To remember that whatever I may be going through that the Creator of the seasons and the Author of these thoughts knows exactly what He is doing."

I love this. My favorite part is "hold myself accountable...to keep looking at the stars and being amazed." When was the last time you did that? I will tell you, I believe in wonder. People are so easy to loose it. To stop looking at the stars and feel wonder. To stop feeling the breeze, to stop looking at the world around them and wonder and it's beauty. Even in the middle of Greensboro, my city full of ghetto, gangs, trafficking, and the 2nd worst allergies in the nation, there is things to find wonder-full. God is my biggest one. 

I wonder at God. God who gives so much. God who loves me, when I continually screw up. I just spent the ten minute car ride home in a mixture of sobbing and laughing because I was so overwhelmed with the generosity of the family I work for and the Grace of God that my job is doing something that I absolutely adore. Why in the heck do I get to do that? Why am I so blessed?

Tonight, after the kids went to bed, I was channel surfing. I landed on AMC where Independence Day was playing. I watched Bill Pullman's President character give his speech to the pilots about to go up to fight the massive space ship in that speech he spoke about fighting for their right to live. 

Since when did we have a right to anything? What in the world have I done to deserve the life I have been given? I'll tell you - nothing. I am good with kids - its a fact. That is not me. That is a gift God gave me and I delight in it. I get paid very generously - and it blows my socks off every time they hand me the check. The grace of God boggles my mind. 

We have become a people who look for what we deserve. As many times as I may think I would do my job without the pay check I think a couple weeks in I would be looking for compensation of some sort. Even as I do my job, I expect the families to be okay with me eating their food, because I am watching their kids instead of cooking for me and I deserve to eat. It is my "right" as a human being to eat. 

This writing is either ill-timed or perfectly-timed at Christmastime. Around this time of year, people are more likely to take account of what they have. At the same time, they just as likely to be looking for they deserve (being with family, presents under the tree, time off work, bonus checks). I watched Charlie Brown Christmas last night and actually paid attention to the words they spoke for the first time. Charlie's little sister at one point says plainly of her list to Santa, "I'm just looking for what I deserve, I'm looking for what's coming to me." You know what was coming to you child? Death. Chew on that. 

The wise, blanket toting member of Chuck's gang brought the whole episode together by quoting the story of Jesus. However, people ( yeah including me)  get hung up on the manger, the wise men and the whole prophecies thing. We don't get hung up on the simple fact that He came. My verse for the Christmas season is not from Matthew, Luke of Isaiah, it is from 1 John 4:9 

"By this the love of God was manifested in us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world so that we might live through Him."

I have had "love manifested life" written in sharpie on the inside of my arm for the past two days and plan to keep it there for the rest of the season, because I want it to remind me that because of Christmas I have life. I don't have it because I wasn't aborted. I don't have it because my parents had mutual friends in college. I don't have it because my grandmother walked into the SUP store at U of Alabama in time to hear my grandfather give a speech. I don't have it because my ancestor escaped Prussia before freaking Fredrick the Great could kill him. I don't have it because it is my right. I have it because 2000 some years ago the love of God was manifested in us by coming into the world so that we can have life. Every year I am reminded of this, and every year despite my failure to hold on to it, it rings true. That is a testimony in and of itself. 

This is Christmastime, I am overwhelmed by Grace given me through my employers who as far as I can tell have not even bothered to explain to their six year old that some people believe in a thing called God. Every day is given and here as a result of what we celebrate on Christmas. Love. Manifested. Life. 

Therefore I challenge myself to keep walking forward, to keep searching and getting to know the God that knows my everything and still showers me with amazing grace. I want to wake up in the morning and thank Him. I want to lie down at night and bless Him. I want to merge onto 1-40 west and sing His praise from every ounce of my being, because I can. Not because it is my right, but because it is His gift. 

Thank you Jesus. You rock my world. 

Click this link to my latest theme song - for the purposes of this post, I want to highlight the bridge.

"You Are More" by Tenth Avenue North

Warrior

So tonight I went to UNCG's Campus Crusade for Christ (Cru) meeting at the insistent invitation of my friend Callie as well as my own curiosity. It was good to know someone. It was were I needed to be tonight. Not because the message spoke to me, although I'm sure it was very good, I didn't really hear it. I didn't hear it because free from the distractions of home (computer phone etc) and there focusing on God he laid one of my friends on my heart so very hard, all I could do was pray. I didn't even know what for. Its cool when God does this.


The worship was good, I did hear that. The last two songs in particular spoke to me. One called God, "Our Warrior". I think we get so caught up in the grace of God that we forget that He's a fighter. Not only is He a jealous God, He fights for us. He wants us, He wants us to be free from the snare that so easily entangles. I think I tend to forget that He is bigger than the world. I get so down watching how lost the world is I forget that God has the power and ability to cut through the world. I see the power of the Devil grow stronger, and I forget that no matter how strong He gets, God is stronger. God is the Victory. We're not biting our nails to see how this ends up, we know. God wins. We win. The devil looses and so do all "his" people.


"We are therefore Christ's ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ's behalf: Be reconciled to God." -2 Corinthians 5:20


This verse should be my motto. The message of it has grown heavier on my heart as I've been in Greensboro. I need to remember, to believe, to hope and trust in the fact that God is fighting for His lost children, my friends all around me. I need to trust in that when I start to loose faith. Every time I see them, I want to see the battlefield of their souls. Both sides of it, not just the one that's the most obnoxious. Satan is obnoxious to me. He just flaunts his power. God doesn't need that. 


This brings me to the second song. "Fill us up, send us out." 


That is my growing desire. Not only the friends in my classes, but this women who walks the street of my campus. I watched as a cop pulled over today to talk to her. She has a pathetic voice and walks around asking for pennies. I want to give her more. I want to help her, but I have no idea how. The way she talks and acts I'm 90% sure she's using the pennies for something harmful. I wanted to point her somewhere, probably my church, but I need more information about that ministry I don't want to tell her wrong. 


Among all these things, the most important part to me is "Fill us up". I don't want to go out and act for God for the sake of acting for God. Then I become obnoxious like Satan. I want to be filled and act when, where and how God directs. Only then am I His ambassador. Even that word begs the difference. An ambassador (if done properly) is someone who goes into places that are not their home, lives there but keeps the culture and ways of their home. Their goal is be a voice for their home. A voice for peace. A promoter for the place they come from, not a degrader of where they are. As opposed to say a candidate. Who "speaks" for other causes, but who's real purpose is self-elevation.


We, if we follow Christ are ambassadors for Him, not candidates. We are promoting Him, and not degrading the world around us, because the world around is run by and populated by His children, the last thing God wants is to degrade them. The scary part is when we leave God, even is we speak in His name, we become candidates. And those are people the world we are in will remember, because Satan never lets them forget.


My prayer is to be "filled up, and sent out." and that I won't just go. I praise God for His work. The minuteness of it never ceases to amaze me. 

Purposes

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are Your works; my soul knows it very well." - Psalm 139:14

So today I was thinking about life. A single life. A personality. If we as Christians believe in a sovereign God then we have to believe that He had a plan when He made each of our individualistic snow flake selves. Take a moment to think on that. And now I'm going to tell you what I though on it.

If we are indeed made perfectly just the way He wants us that means what see as flaws are not. Now I'm not going to justify sin. How we choose to handle the way we've been made is what defines whether we are following God or going against Him. For example: If someone has a temper and is always getting into arguments. That means that God most likely made them passionate and gave them the ability to argue logically. If we give that fault to God, who knows, we could have the next great lawyer lobbying for children's rights in developing countries.

Or in my case, I can get frustrated that I sometimes seem almost apathetic to situations in life. I am not, but I have a hard time getting stressed, or flustered, or upset. It happens occasionally, but not nearly on the level of other people. This sounds like a good thing and it is, but its hard for me because if you think about how many times you've related to someone because you were both upset or stressed or flustered about the same thing. Its a lot. Believe me I know I watch you do it and can't join in because 9 times out of 10 I'm WAY far away from understanding how you feel. I just don't feel it. And I cannot fake than I do. I also run into problems when people will get upset at me for not being as upset or angry etc as they are. But once again, I cannot fake it.

Tonight as I was thinking about this it struck me that even though that frustrates me it is part of my perfect design. Now I am no where near perfect because I warp and distort the perfect design I was made into by saying things like, I frustrate me. It just got me thinking about how that is how much more I want to follow God. Because He made me the way I am, He is going to use me the way I am. And if I am not following Him then I become like a square peg trying to fit into a round a hole. I cannot do what I was designed do if I am not listening to the one who designed me. When I do that I become a round peg in a round hole. I become useful in the greatest Kingdom on earth and that is nothing to complain about.

"And I am sure of this, that He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." - Philippians 1:6

Lost

No this is not a post about a the show (though it is a good one : ).
This is not a post of spiritual metaphor on the state of the world.
This is literally about how I got lost, on purpose.

This past weekend I worked the Karate Atlanta retreat at Strong Rock Camp in Cleveland GA. I have these friends who live in Blairsville, the Koughs, and one of thier own, Matthew David, is one of my favorite Tri County friends. I was talking to said friend on the Thursday before I went, asking him about the fastest way to Blairsville from here.

On a side note one thing I've learned about Matthew recently is that he gives very good directions, very thourough. So thourough that you actually have to fight them out of the all the extra information he gives you. So after a three minute spiel about some backroads I got out that there were only three: Pine Log, Ivy Log, and Gum Log- then you come out at gas station on 129. Easy enough. Apparently not for Matt. He told me not to take them, because the backroads of Western NC and Northern GA can be confusing if someone doesn't show you. That is Matt's disclaimer. I hold him responsible for none of the following.

I was unable to take (try) the backroads on the way down because I was in a hurry. (Had to work my normal job at 8 - got off at 11 - ran to the bank and store and made to Cleveland by 12:30 in time to wash 20 min. worth of dishes and be prepped to teach 3 hours of archery at 1:00). So on the way back I was going to try to hang out with Matt's sister Stephanie. But she had finals, which were this week, only they are acutally next, but in any event I had an afternoon, a full tank of gas, water, snickers bar ( and kind bar), three road names, and the little bug in me that loves to drive and map out new routes.

On the way up I passed Gum Log were it runs into 129. So I turned down it. Keeping an eye open for Ivy Log or Pine Log. First I found Ivy Log Creek, but looking up it, it was minscule and turned into another road, so I kept going. Then I passed a road called Smyrna, without thinking about it. Right after that I saw Ivy Log Gap. "Now that's kinda promising." So since I had seen it as I drove past, I pulled my first U-turn and went down it. It forked and looked like it kept going to the left. I was 10 ft down the continuing road when I saw the dead end sign. Second U-turn. I was headed back the way I came when for the first time I saw the fork to the right, Ivy Log something road. Third U-turn and I took it. I was feeling pretty positive when I came out on another road.

Here we'll digress for a note on the insufficent labeling of North Georgia backroads. Everytime I came on to a new road, the only sign was for the road I was coming off of, no the one I was turning on to.

Back to the story, it was also at this point I realized I had no idea if I was suppossed to be turning left or right (it was a regular epiphany moment). I turned left. I went about a quarter of a mile when I recognized a fence and realised I was back on Gum Log going back towards 129. First circle. Fourth U-turn and I was headed back on Gum Log, eyes peeled for Pine or Ivy log. I passed a Pine Log on the left, but it was gravel. "No way that's the one I'm looking for." I drove on, finding nothing. Fifth U-turn and I took the gravel road. It didn't say dead in and looked well traveld so I kept on. It came out on another promising looking road, where I had to choose left or right. I don't know what was in me that day, I picked left. A mistake that could have saved sometime, but definitiely not fun. I came out and discoverd I was on Smyrna Rd and was back on Gum Log, across from the start of my first circle, thus making my second circle.

Here I gave Gum Log one more chance and kept driving. Found nothing until I suddenly ended up deadending into another road, that was of course, not labeled. Aha! I turned right. I was unsure where I was when I passed a sign for Brasstown creek. That was promising. So I kept on. I passed a mile marker that was "2" so I went on hoping the next one would be "1" and I could be near the line. I came up on a stoplight. Strange, but as I approached it I realised it was the juction of 515 at Young Harris. Now I knew where I was. I was actually disapointed, because while I knew exactly where I was and how to get home, it wasn't the route I set out to find. I pulled my sixth U-turn and headed back to Warne, NC and old 64. I got there and turned toward Brasstown and home. However I knew I'd pass Pine Log where I Matt orginally thought I'd be driving from. I debated whether or not I wanted to try and conquer it or not. I didn't decide until I drove past Pine Log road. Seventh U-turn and I took it. I gave that road 5 miles to turn up Ivy Log. It did it in three. I turned left, feeling pretty succesful. I was about three yards over the Union County line when I passed the only properly labeled road sign North Georgia apparently has to offer. I could have swore it didn't say Ivy Log (the road I turned on to) but Smyrna. Think back. About an hour before I had turned off gravel Pine Log onto a road called...that's right...Smyrna. Needless to say my sarcastic, talking-to-myself-in-the-car-diaglogue was flowing pretty quickly right now. It was when I passed the gravel Pine Log that I pulled my eighth U-turn and came back. Having successfully (: ?) completed the "easy to get lost" backroads from Brasstown to Blairsville. It took me only about three hours. But I know more about them now than their average traveler looking to cut a few minutes or the commute with some cookie cutter directions.

I now know that Gum Log dead ends into 66. I know that there are at least two circles off of Gum Log and...this is important! So pay attention! IF YOU ARE COMING FROM BRASSTOWN THE ROAD SEQUENCES IS : PINE LOG to IVY LOG to GUM LOG to 129. IF YOU ARE COMING FROM BLAIRSVILLE IT IS : GUM LOG to SMYRNA to PINE LOG to OLD 64. That was my biggest lesson learned.

On ending the trip positively for my directional instinct, I did recall on my own that Pine Log intersects Old 64 twice so I didn't have to backtrack my three miles.

If you want a map I'll draw you one. I can now.

Joy

"The joy of the Lord is your strength." Where do the saints get their joy from? If we did not know some saints, we would say - "Oh, he, or she, has nothing to bear." Lift the veil. The fact that the peace and the light and the joy of God are there is proof that the burden is there too. The burden God places squeezes the grapes and out comes the wine; most of us see the wine only. No power on earth or in hell can conquer the Spirit of God in a human spirit, it is an inner unconquerableness.
If you have the whine in you, kick it out ruthlessly. It is a positive crime to be weak in God's strength. "

My Upmost for His Highest - April 14

I can get alot of comments on my joy. I think (or know) that many people think that it is simply my lack of life experience or naivette. Its not. I struggle, but it never seems as bad as the world would want to make it. I can't explain it, but it takes so much for me to be down. For me to get stressed, and when I do, its just on the surface. I put on sad faces.

I was talking to one of my friends about this. I was asking why this is. Why don't I feel things the way the rest of the world does? I know I'm not apathetic, because I care about people so much, that sometimes it hurts. But I still don't express or show it the way other people do. I am happy. I am at peace. Oswald explained to me why:

It is a joy that honestly surpasses all understanding. I dare you to explain it. I have it inside me and I can't. You should hear me try. Its laughable.

I have not achieved the joy of the Lord being my strength. It has been given to me. Naviette I don't have, so don't put that on me. I have the joy of the Lord and probably an innocence I try to hold on too. Too many people have innoncence taken away from them, why would I want to give it away? But that's another note.

Conquered

The Conquered

I came at first cry
Licking my lip
I came at first step
Watching you trip
I came at first word
Whispering, “slip”
I came at first choice
And saw Him unseated
I am death
And I am defeated

I watched you grow confidant
And helped you fall
I watched you get up
And helped build your wall
I watched you dream big
And made you small
I watched you search out
And made you conceited
I am death
And I am defeated

Then came Love
And made your knees fall
Then came Mercy
And tore down your wall
Then came Grace
And made me small
Then came the Sword
The message repeated
I am death
And I am defeated

I watched you see hope
And licked my lip
I watched you walk straighter
And begged you to trip
I watched you understand Love
And wished you’d slip
I watched your last choice
And saw me unseated
I am death
And I am defeated

For Wesley Phillip Entiger who was my adopted Grandfather and who passed away last week. This was written by request and reluctantly I did, but rather than being tolerable, God gave me one of my favorite works I've done, because its about him, telling the greatest story in the world that was played out in Mr. E's last years. This guy at age 79 walked into our church an athiest and was completely transformed by his love for Jesus, completely. Ask anyone. I love him very much and can't wait to go party with him and Jesus one day.

Beautiful

“Light of the world you stepped down into darkness, opened my eyes let me see, beauty that made this heart adore you, hope of a life spent with thee.”

We sang this song in church and as I sang the words I thought of the word beauty. I love the word, but I have yet to be able to fully know why. I have theories and thoughts on of course (previous post “Words”). But this song says that “You (God) opened my eyes and let me see, beauty, that made this heart adore You.” God let me see beauty. He has defined it, because He created it. We are fascinated with it because we came from it.

Psalm 27:4- “One thing I have asked from the Lord, that I will seek; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord, and to meditate in His temple.”
Psalms 50 says that because God dwells in Zion it is the perfection of beauty.

We are apparently called to pursue beauty, the Author of beauty. We pursue our version of beauty in ourselves, and in others, but we pursue it because we have a God shaped vacuum in our lives. We try to fill it with the easy parts of God, like beauty, but if we take anything away from God it becomes distorted. The same thing happens when take beauty apart from the Creator of it, we twist it. It mocks the One who gave it to us, but even still we pursue this fake beauty and are continually satisfied by it. However, when we are allowed a glimpse of true beauty, wherever that may be, it takes our breath away. It doesn’t matter if we are walking with God or not, if he allows you to see even a fraction of His beauty, in a sunset or in a child, or in anything else, it is indelible, and awe-inspiring. I think its one of the ways He draws His children to himself, lost and found.

The amazing thing happens as you walk with God and your relationship grows and you get farther and farther into the reality of God, you can start to see His beauty and the kind we pursued before gets more and more shallow and dissatisfactory. It so much more intense than a “Shallow Hal” spell or whatnot, we don’t see supermodels in everyone, we see something much greater. So much greater that even to call it beautiful is to cheapen it.

It’s not just in seeing beauty in a person or an object; it’s seeing it in situations. You can see beauty in situation that are beyond your own control, it is there because God takes control and you know that you are not strong enough and it is beautiful.

You can see it when someone you love dies and suddenly you are all together, surrounded by a “cloud of witnesses” united, if even far apart, fighting grief and hardships, and its beautiful.

Beautiful is more than a more poetic synonym for attractive. It is a description of God, and as I make God more and more my life, the more and beautiful my life gets. Not me, but my attitudes, my thoughts, my words, the more they are surrendered to God, the more they become beautiful. I want to be the most beautiful woman I can possibly be, not because I am the closest to a synonym of attractive I can be, but because I am closest to God as I can be, because that’s when life truly becomes beautiful. And its more than poetic, it’s a melody that sings over my life, in darkness and light; calm and storm.

"And on the road to beautiful...my seasons always changeBut my life is spent on loving You. To know You in Your power and pain." -Charlie Hall

Unhindered

The melody of your beautiful love
Soars through the night
Dancing in the glory of the stars
Brightening the splendor of the moon
Stealing my breath away

Sitting in the dark, torn
Between racing after your song
Following to the highest mountain of its aria
Or
To sit and let you embrace life,
Unhindered

The longer I sit, the farther you go
The more my soul grows dead
Ash floats like grey snow,
Laying hard on my heart
Suffocating it's beat

You dance near
The closeness of your being lightens my load
You sweep me up
Out of the ashes my soul arises
My heart beats,
Unhindered

To the ends of the earth
To the far reaches of the heavens
Our phoenix soars
Skimming the water
Capping the mountains

Through the rain
Through the wind
Through the dark
Through the light
Our dance still flies,
Unhindered

Away we go.

Phoenix

NOTE: From my facebook notes dated originally at October 31, 2009.

"The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me to preach the good news to the poor. He has send me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor and the day of the vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion --to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of despair." -Isaiah 61:1-3a

I thought of this the other day as I was texting one of my friends about something going on his life. I think I thought I was preaching to him, but that didn't work out, I ended up preaching to me and crying on the way to school because of that realization.

A phoenix is somewhat of a legendary type bird. It essentially dies by exploding on itself and turning into a pile of ashes, but eveytime it does that it comes back more beautiful than before. In the passage above, we're called to give our pain and hurt, our ashes, to God and He will in return offer us beauty. Sounds like a great deal right? Well it is, the problem comes with us actually giving it up.

It is my current hypothesis that when people we love hurt us, and I have been hurt very badly by someone I love dearly so this is firsthand, it is hard to hold all that hurt. It keeps you up at night, it makes you sob tears you didn't know you had left and hold conversastions with people who aren't there, and write letters you will never send, but even with all this, it's harder to give it up, to forgive. I think that we don't want to give it up or forgive because even though it is painful all that hurt is the sometimes the only connection we have to that person. If we give it up, its out of our hands. We can't do anything to create beauty there, God has to, and that's flipping scary.

I honestly am not sure I have the strength in me to give up hurt, to give up my painful connection to someone I still love so much and always will, but if I don't give it up, there will never be beauty. I can't wait for humans to change, because we are stubborn hypocrytical beast, God has to do it. But it is so mind boggling-ly hard. Why can't God just give us the beauty and then we can give up the hurt? The answer is simple, faith. We are called to live by faith, to trust God, so why don't we?

I want to be free from hurt, but not my connection to that person. I want the beauty without the faith. But it won' t come so I have to work on the faith of giving up the hurt and taking the beauty afterward, because it takes faith to fly like the phoenix, more beautiful than ever before.

NOTE: As of right now, God has proved His awesomness and worked in ways I couldn't imagine to free me from myself and burden of trying to control, or rather giving me a realization of my inability to control.

Words

Attractive sounds like a dictionary word for if we think something is, well, attractive. Hot would be the culture way of putting it, the nicer way of putting it. Pretty feels like an obligatory one. Gorgeous feels overdone, like you are trying to impress. My suggestion for use? BEAUTIFUL. It is an amazing word. It feels sincere and has a poetic feel behind it. It has been used for generations and the meaning has not really changed. It makes you feel good. Especially if you are described as beautiful. My theory on why? I think some people will hear the word hot and think of the last actress of supermodel they saw described as hot in People or wherever. When you hear beautiful you can think of an amazing thing in nature, or something that is a realistic of classic beauty. A beauty that is natural and not made up of your clothes or amount of eyeliner and airbrushing. It means that someone is naturally beautiful, and not made or created by anything other than God. Maybe that's not what everyone wants to hear, but I do. I think that there are plenty of other reasons its the best word for the usage, but that's my opinion of it.

"I can't get your smile out of mind. I think about your eyes all the time. You're BEAUTIFUL and you don't even try. Modesty is just so hard to find."
-Lovebug by the Jonas Brothers (Yes they sometimes hit it good, sometimes I could write a whole post on the ridiculousness of Disney Music and the person who told them that is was good and cool to talk in the middle of thier songs)